In the past I submitted a number of amusing articles which were published on a comedy website. I'm going to post them all over the coming weeks. This was written in Sept 2014
Luck
Like time, luck is an abstract concept. I don't know what
that means but it won't stop me writing 571 words* on the subject. I've never
had to rely on luck, blessed as I am with high levels of skill, judgement,
intelligence, good looks, amazing sexual technique and modesty. Winky face. I
doubt if it exists at all but many people still believe in it.
There are all sorts of superstitions related to luck, handed
down through the generations and usually designed to find a positive in a
negative situation or to make people with shit lives feel less shit. Talking of
shit, apparently it's lucky if a bird (the feathered flying type) shits on you.
It has happened to me but, as far as i could see, the only vaguely 'lucky'
thing about it was that the shit didn't land in my mouth. Events can always be
given a positive spin relative to the worse alternatives. Governments are
elected on that basis. Maybe death is an exception to that theory; no one ever
says 'lucky, it could've been worse' at a funeral. But the fact that something
is 'shit' instead of 'really shit' isn't lucky.
Luck is mentioned a lot in sport. The golfist Gary Player
once won a golfing bet with some bloke who said “Boy, I’ve never seen anyone so
lucky in my life” to which Player replied “Well, the harder I practice, the
luckier I get". An acknowledgement that if success in professional sport
was down to luck then, theoretically, anyone could win a major sporting
competition. But history shows that only those that practice and work hard
become champions. Shit loads of performance enhancing drugs can also help,
right Lance?
There are all sorts of things that are said to enhance your
luck or, at the very least, help avoid bad luck. I've done no research
(obviously), but off the top of my head here are a few:
·
Lucky heather - I've only ever seen it being sold in the
street by old ladies. It's obviously a con as it's clearly not working for
the vendors who have access to loads of it yet still have to make a living pushing weeds in the street usIng aggressive sales techniques.
·
Touching wood - sounds a bit like wanking, and
probably has less effect on your fortune. Unless you get caught. (Bad, so I'm
told)
·
'Third time lucky' - It certainly doesn't apply
in every situation, like being shot or stabbed.
·
Carrying a rabbits foot - Not supported by the
evidence. Rabbits are born with four feet and still live in a hole in the
ground and usually end up as roadkill or stew.
·
Finding a penny - assuming you didn't 'find' it
stuck in your throat while eating a take-away meal the best outcome is that you
are now richer to the tune of 1p (minus tax).
·
Two magpies - I once saw two magpies in my lane
while driving. As I approached they took off into the path of a bus coming in
the other direction. Difficult to find a positive for anyone involved in that
tale.
Throughout history humans have tried to find a meaning of
life and reasons why we're here and why things happen, like there are external
forces or rules at play. Luck is just one of those mythic forces. There is no
great plan. Shit happens. Kismet? Hardly.
Be lucky.
