Amusing articles from years ago.

In the past I submitted a number of amusing articles which were published on a comedy website. I'm going to post them all over the coming weeks. This was written in Sept 2014

Luck

Like time, luck is an abstract concept. I don't know what that means but it won't stop me writing 571 words* on the subject. I've never had to rely on luck, blessed as I am with high levels of skill, judgement, intelligence, good looks, amazing sexual technique and modesty. Winky face. I doubt if it exists at all but many people still believe in it.

 

There are all sorts of superstitions related to luck, handed down through the generations and usually designed to find a positive in a negative situation or to make people with shit lives feel less shit. Talking of shit, apparently it's lucky if a bird (the feathered flying type) shits on you. It has happened to me but, as far as i could see, the only vaguely 'lucky' thing about it was that the shit didn't land in my mouth. Events can always be given a positive spin relative to the worse alternatives. Governments are elected on that basis. Maybe death is an exception to that theory; no one ever says 'lucky, it could've been worse' at a funeral. But the fact that something is 'shit' instead of 'really shit' isn't lucky.

 

Luck is mentioned a lot in sport. The golfist Gary Player once won a golfing bet with some bloke who said “Boy, I’ve never seen anyone so lucky in my life” to which Player replied “Well, the harder I practice, the luckier I get". An acknowledgement that if success in professional sport was down to luck then, theoretically, anyone could win a major sporting competition. But history shows that only those that practice and work hard become champions. Shit loads of performance enhancing drugs can also help, right Lance?

 

There are all sorts of things that are said to enhance your luck or, at the very least, help avoid bad luck. I've done no research (obviously), but off the top of my head here are a few:

·       Lucky heather - I've only ever seen it being sold in the street by old ladies. It's obviously a con as it's clearly not working for the vendors who have access to loads of it yet still have to make a living pushing weeds in the street usIng aggressive sales techniques.

·       Touching wood - sounds a bit like wanking, and probably has less effect on your fortune. Unless you get caught. (Bad, so I'm told)

·       'Third time lucky' - It certainly doesn't apply in every situation, like being shot or stabbed.

·       Carrying a rabbits foot - Not supported by the evidence. Rabbits are born with four feet and still live in a hole in the ground and usually end up as roadkill or stew.

·       Finding a penny - assuming you didn't 'find' it stuck in your throat while eating a take-away meal the best outcome is that you are now richer to the tune of 1p (minus tax).

·       Two magpies - I once saw two magpies in my lane while driving. As I approached they took off into the path of a bus coming in the other direction. Difficult to find a positive for anyone involved in that tale.

 

Throughout history humans have tried to find a meaning of life and reasons why we're here and why things happen, like there are external forces or rules at play. Luck is just one of those mythic forces. There is no great plan. Shit happens. Kismet? Hardly.

 

Be lucky.

 

 *word count isn't 571 due to some recent edits

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m a runner now.

In August 2021, after years of allowing my running (and most other physical exercise) to dwindle from relatively regular to relatively seldom, I decided to do the Couch to 5k.

In case you are not aware, C25k (as it is known by us cool guys), is a 9 week structured programme designed to take people from zero running to being able to run for 30 minutes, which for some might not quite be 5k but will get you a lot closer to 5k than 0k.

It is now the beginning of September 2022, and 2 days ago, just over a year after starting C25k, I ran 10 miles. Next month I'm doing the 10 mile Great South Run in Portsmouth and in November I'm doing the Gosport Half Marathon. I have done GSR before, about 10 years ago, but a half marathon will be the furthest distance I have ever run. Not bad for an overweight 52 year old. I’m a runner now.

So, the C25K programme works then? If only it was that simple. Running involves so much more than just downloading an app and following the instructions. Us humans may well be equipped with an anatomy which, in theory at least, allows us to propel ourselves over relatively long distances at a relatively fast pace, but we are also equipped with a brain that will constantly question the necessity of running in the absence of an immediate threat which triggers our flight response. There was no evolutionary advantage to being able to run 10k at a steady pace. We may have needed quick bursts of speed for escaping danger or chasing prey but not a 30 minute plod. And if your brain is not successful in its direct approach to avoid a run (inner voice: "why bother?") it will use more subtle psychological tricks, like attempt to convince you you're injured or too hungover, the weather is too hot/cold/wet, you've run enough this week, you're having a heart attack. These thoughts will continue during the run no matter how advanced you are in your training, although more experience will give you the confidence to call out your brain’s bullshit. 

There are some things I've learned which can help make your brains attempts at sabotage less convincing. It's not an exhaustive list and may not apply to everyone but hopefully someone might find them useful, especially those just starting out. 

Be realistic 

Don't expect too much too quickly. If you've done C25K you'll know progress takes time but it does happen. The more experienced you get the more you'll know your own limits and how far and fast you can push yourself. Don’t compare yourself to friends who do ultra marathons if you’re aiming for 5k, you’ll give up. It’s just you versus YOUR goals, as long as you’re making progress (and that’s subjective).  

You will probably get little injuries every now and then, accept that as part of the process, listen to your body, rest and recover, go again. Once you’ve been running for a while you’ll find you can get back to pre-injury distance/speed relatively quickly.

Be safe and healthy

Know the limits of your fitness and ability, choose a distance and route accordingly. Consider other hazards on your route while planning it. If possible run with other people (see below). Be alert to hazards while you're out. Don't overdo it, allow yourself rest days. Consider what and when you're eating, leftover curry on a Saturday morning before Parkrun might not be a good idea! Stay hydrated. Watch the weather, sometimes your brain is right about it being too hot/cold/wet.

Solo or non-solo?

There are pros and cons to running with other people, running with anyone else might be a good safety precaution (unfortunately, mainly for women) but also depends on what stage you’re at, what stage they’re at, whether either of you is prepared to compromise, if you’re happy to treat the occasional run as a social occasion or you always have to cane it for 30k. Mixing solo and non-solo runs is good for me but do what suits you.

Kit 1

Get the best kit you can afford, especially shoes. It's not a fashion parade, always take comfort over style. Most people will probably suffer from chaffing somewhere on their body, wear stuff that fits now, not something too small you're hoping to slim into. Something hi-viz and/or reflective for the darker runs is also a good idea. A decent smart watch will allow you to easily keep tabs on times and distance without having to get your phone out of your pocket (or take it at all in a lot of cases) but they are expensive and your phone can record your activity just as well. 

Kit 2

Dress for the weather and be careful of over dressing during the colder months. You will obviously warm up during the run and even with a couple of thin layers on you'll be warm enough after a while. Over-heating will sap your energy very quickly.

Routes

Plan your routes so you know how far you're going. Keep the routes interesting, incorporate regular turns to change the scenery and give a sense of progress. Use the run as an excuse to explore your local area, go places you haven't been for a while. Change the route regularly to keep from mistaking boredom with the route for boredom with running. 

Goals

Set yourself a goal ie sign up for an organised run, and then, and here’s the clever bit, announce publicly your intention to run it. It’s amazing how motivating the avoidance of a humiliating failure and potentially being labelled a flaky gobshite can be. Do it for charity for extra points. 

Never say never; at first the thought of running at all will be daunting, then 5k will seem daunting, then 10k will seem daunting. I never thought I’d sign up for a half marathon but here we are. Even now I can’t see myself ever signing up for a full marathon but who knows?

Equally, you may set a relatively modest goal like doing 5k a few times a week. If that’s all you want to do that’s also fine. Again it’s you versus your goals.

and finally... 

Get your kit on and get out of the door. Despite what I previously said, you might not feel physically or mentally up for a long run. But see how it goes. Any run is better than no run. I’ve always felt mentally better after running any distance. The more you run, the fitter you'll get and the more you'll enjoy it. I promise.

It's the taking part that counts. Up to a point.

There was a story in the news recently about a kids football manager who was asked to step down because he sent an email to players parents saying that those who didn't come up to scratch won't be getting a game and may wish to find other sports. 'Political correctness gone mad' said some. I sympathised with the (now ex-) manager.

My son is now 12 and plays for an under 13s football team. He's been playing since the under 7's. At that age they play 'mini soccer', which to us adults is 6-a-side football.

In those early days every team member got an equal amount of game time whatever their ability with a ball. Even at that young age you can see which kids are more natural with a ball or more athletically inclined. Equally, you can tell those kids who have two left feet even though they're right footed. But the focus is on getting the kids doing something, rather than winning matches. And that, at the time, seemed to be the right approach.

Fast forward 2 seasons. The kids have never won a match. They've nearly won. They've scraped the odd draw. But they've never won. They trudge off the pitch, heads hanging. Yes, they're all getting to play football but it's difficult to see what else they're getting. What exactly is it they're learning? That hard work and being part of a team gets you nowhere? That, no matter how hard you try, you're getting the same amount of game time as everyone else, including those that don't apply themselves? That it's pointless spending hours honing your skills in the back garden because you'll still be replaced by someone who appears to only turn up because their parents bring them?

What is it we want our kids to get from playing sports? I'll tell you what I want my son to get because they're the same things that playing sports has given me;

• Exercise is good for you. Much better than sitting watching TV or playing video games.
• Being good at something is good for your confidence and self esteem.
• Trying hard for your team is a selfless act. Particularly when you play in positions that don't offer as many opportunities to be the bringer of glory. (Fellow full backs of the world, I salute you). Giving that feels good. Being part of something bigger than you as an individual feels good.
• Making a commitment to the team and turning up for training and matches requires self discipline. As does controlling your emotions on the pitch.
• Your team will be made up of players from differing backgrounds. You'll learn to get on with most of them, most of the time. Some will become friends for life.
• You will lose even when you've tried your hardest and played your best.
• When you try your hardest and play your best you have more chance of winning.
• Winning isn't everything but it feels great. Sharing those moments with your mates in the team feels great.

All these things translate into everyday life.

So back to my sons team. The managers realised the constant losing was not good for the kids confidence, and is not a good way to retain players. So they started giving the better kids more game time and rotating the kids with slightly less ability. Everyone still got game time. But the team started getting better. And eventually, over 2 years after starting, they won a match. And everyone was delirious with joy. Including the kids who didn't get as much game time. It was still THEIR team that won, and they were a part of it. And those kids started playing better because their confidence was boosted and they wanted to get more game time now there was the possibility of a victory. In the following 3 years they gained at least one promotion and won a cup competition.

So what's the right approach? I suppose it's down to individual clubs to decide what they can offer to the communities in which they're based. If I was running a club I'd encourage an approach similar to what happened organically in my sons team.

The younger teams should be more about introducing kids to playing sport and giving them a focus outside of school and home. But we eventually need to start preparing them for real life. As working adults we don't get recognised just for 'taking part' in something for which we are clearly not cut out. We get paid for using our skills to deliver results.

There is a certain amount of natural selection as kids get older. Kids are bright enough to realise their record on FIFA14 is not translating to actual grass. And eventually even the most blinkered of parent will realise their little genius may be better off doing something else. For those that remain, the focus must be on hard work, developing their skills, and trying to win.